


Expiation

by Aecrimony



Series: Hawaii Five-0 Tags [4]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt Steve McGarrett, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Tag to Episode, spoilers for episode 2x10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 13:16:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16954758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aecrimony/pseuds/Aecrimony
Summary: Missing tag to season 2, episode 10 (Ki'ilua). I had a need to flesh it out a bit more. Exploit all that whump material we were given and the lack of comfort. I needed to fix that.





	Expiation

Danny glanced at Steve’s resting form. Resting, not sleeping, because Steve hadn’t slept a wink ever since they rescued him in North Korea. Hadn’t slept during the nine-hour flight or during the car ride to the hospital, which Danny had insisted upon taking Steve.

A whole series of blood-works, CT-scans and x-ray’s later, Steve had been reluctantly released from the hospital with a minor concussion, two fractured ribs, a broken os zygomaticus –which Danny learnt was a fancy word for cheekbone-, a whole lot of cuts and scrapes on his feet and a grand total of thirty-five stitches.

Danny had made sure to fill in Steve’s prescription of antibiotics and painkillers (the good stuff) and had promised the doctor that he would make sure Steve got his bed rest and would not perform heavy duties for a whole month.

Steve hadn’t even complained, just quietly acquiesced and allowed Danny to take him home. He had showered quickly, ignoring the fact that the new bandages on his feet were now soaked and had crawled in bed.

Danny had stood in the open doorway, watching Steve lay on his side.  
“At least take the painkillers before you go to bed, Steven,” he had said, pointedly looking at the nightstand where had placed a glass of water with two packs of pills.

Steve hadn’t moved right away, there had been a tense silence and then Steve had sighed, and had carefully taken the medication.

Glad that Steve would at least be a bit pain free, Danny had nodded, “I am going to grab a shower and crash in your guest-room. Call if you need anything.”

“Just go home, Danny,” Steve had muttered, not looking at him.

“Yeah, no can do, babe. Doctor ordered me that someone has to stay with you for at least twenty-four hours. He wouldn’t have discharged you otherwise,” Danny had spoken, expecting a retort. When none had come, he had heaved a sigh and retreated.

When he had returned, he had found Steve asleep. Or so he had thought.  
  


* * *

 

Danny glanced back outside of the window, watching the waves break in an almost steady rhythm. He hadn’t slept for more than five hours in forty-eight hours. Granted, he was used to doing kill-shifts, but this was different. He had been into enemy territory on an unwarranted mission only to find that his partner had been tortured and had almost gone off radar if they had arrived only an hour later.

If Kaye hadn’t called when she did-… No, Danny refused to go there. It was still her fault for tricking Steve into this. He knew Steve was pretty much upset as well (as in, a whole lot upset) but the Lt. commander had still been very adamant about recovering her body. Steve had looked at Danny in a way that told the detective it was too important to him.

So whilst a local doctor in South-Korea had looked over Steve to his best abilities, they had gone back into the jungle and retrieved Jenna Kaye’s body. Steve hadn’t uttered a word when they had loaded her body into the plane. Danny had seen him glance at the body, that was covered with a sheet, a couple of times however.

Danny was pulled out of his reverie when Steve shifted. The former SEAL let out a groan as he tried to make himself comfortable. It wasn’t so much the pain that was keeping him awake, it was the fact that Kaye –someone he trusted- had betrayed him. The moment the vestiges of sleep had him in their grip, his mind replayed Kaye getting shot over and over again. He shuddered despite the gentle Hawaiian temperature. He heaved a sigh and clenched his fist in his pillow. His whole body trembled and he curled in on himself, ignoring the pain in his ribs, ignoring that he couldn’t breathe properly this way, ignoring Danny who was in the same room as him, ignoring the fact that he was falling apart in front of his colleague, his friend.

Ignoring the tears that silently slid down his face and lulled him into sleep.

They didn’t speak about what happened that night. When Steve’s hitching breath had finally evened out, Danny had taken his cue and had gone to bed. He had closed his weary eyes, not bothering to wipe the tears away.

* * *

Danny was on his way to Steve’s house. He hadn’t seen the man in two days since he had Grace that weekend. Steve had been very adamant about him going to her, knowing Danny needed to see his little girl, especially after everything that had been going on. Danny had made Steve promise that he would call if he needed anything. Steve had nodded and given him that small smile. It hadn’t reached his eyes.

Danny walked up the steps towards the door and was about to enter the house, as he usually did, when he halted and remembered the ordeal Steve had been going through. The man was unstable to say the least, and Danny would not take any risks. So, he knocked.

There was no answer. No muffled ‘come in’, or door being opened by his partner. Danny rolled his shoulders as unease crept in his body and unlocked the door, “Hey Steve, I am coming in, okay?”

It was so still inside the house and it set Danny’s teeth on edge. He dumped the bag of take-away on the small table in the living room and went straight towards Steve’s bedroom. He halted in the doorway and sighed.

“Oh Steven…”

Steve was lying in a mussed bed, sheets tangled around his legs and sweat-stained. The man looked miserable where he laid, one arm dangling off the bed, fingers ghosting the wooden floorboards. His eyes, glazed over and bloodshot, found Danny’s and he shuddered as he realised help had come.

In only a few steps Danny was standing next to the bed and placed a hand on Steve’s forehead. Although the sweat glistering on Steve’s forehead and red cheeks were a dead give-away, the touch gave Danny enough evidence that his partner was running a fever.

Squatting next to Steve, Danny looked at him. Steve looked as if he hadn’t slept at all and there were small lines visible around his eyes and mouth indicating that besides feeling like crap in general, he was also hurting. In more than one way. The bruising on his face was vivid and his left cheekbone, the one that was fractured, was swollen.

“Why didn’t you call me, babe?” Danny asked with a soft voice, the one he also used when Grace was ill or something had upset her.

Steve blinked a couple of times, “I tried,” he whispered hoarse, “too t’red.”

Danny sighed and rubbed a hand over his face, “Well, I’m here now. Let’s get you cleaned up, okay? When was the last time you got up?” the detective asked as he straightened his back and tried to locate Steve’s slippers.

“Dunno, had to go to the bathroom couple of times. Nauseous,” Steve whispered.

“So, I am betting you haven’t eaten at all since I left,” it wasn’t a question because Danny knew what the answer would be. Regardless, Steve shook his head.

“Right…Do you think you can get up? You need to take a shower, try to cool down a bit,” Danny then spotted the medication sitting on Steve’s nightstand. The blister was still full; save from the one pill Danny had given him two days prior.

“Babe, did you take any antibiotics or painkillers?”

Steve looked at him tiredly, “Nauseous.”

Danny heaved another sigh. He wasn’t angry, he was just sad Steve had laid two days in his own sweat, in too much pain and too tired to take his medication. Also two days in which Steve didn’t eat. Which, if Danny counted correctly, meant that Steve hadn’t eaten anything in four days.

With the help of Danny, Steve managed to get onto his injured feet. As soon as he was in a standing position he felt cold sweat break out, the edges of his vision greyed and he closed his eyes. Danny had anticipated it, and gripped Steve more tight. Gauging Steve’s reaction, Danny kept a close eye on his partner. Finally the worst vertigo seemed to pass and Steve let his head carefully lol forward.

“Okay,” he whispered and allowed Danny to lead him to the bathroom.

Danny carefully helped Steve sit in the tub, which was slowly filling with lukewarm water. The moment his overheated skin touched the water, Steve recoiled and made a half-hearted attempt to get out.

“Steve...shh, it’s okay,” Danny sussed, placing a hand on Steve’s shoulder and applying enough pressure so Steve would sit back down.

The Lt. Commander looked at Danny with pleading, haunted eyes as he sank into the water. It felt frigid to his overheated skin but somewhere in his muddled brain he knew this was a better course of action than staying in bed and do nothing.

Satisfied that Steve was sitting in the bath tub and in no near danger of drowning, Danny hurried back to the bedroom and pulled off the dirty sheets on Steve’s bed, replacing them with new ones. He wanted to go downstairs to look into Steve’s medicinal cabinet for some antipyretics. The prescribed pain relief Steve had gotten was Ultram. Danny knew from experience that the painkiller was known to cause nausea. Whilst it was a good painkiller, he’d rather not give it to Steve now.

Walking back to the bathroom Danny grabbed a couple of towels and juggled with Steve to get him sitting on the toilet.  
“Listen, uh, you take care of your nether regions,” the detective said, which elicited a quirk of Steve’s eyebrow in return, “I am going to look for some painkillers. Don’t get up alone, okay?”

After getting a curt nod from Steve, Danny hurried downstairs. He hoped Steve had enough in stock for Danny to take care of the wounds and hopefully help with the fever. He found Steve’s first-aid kit in the cabinet above the microwave and painkillers in the cabinet next to it. In another cabinet he found a pack of instant-soup. He clicked his tongue, wondering whether or not he should make some. Steve had to take these pills either way and he doubted Steve would be able to keep Chinese take-out down.

He deftly put on the kettle and went back upstairs with all the items he’d gathered. He found Steve still sitting on the toilet, looking drained. Danny hoped he’d be able to get the man back into bed.

With just a little bit of a struggle they managed to get Steve fully dressed, to the bed and Danny helped Steve sit up in bed, leaning against the headboard.

“Just don’t go to sleep, yet,” Danny admonished as he set up the first aid-kit. He looked at all the items and frowned. He knew quite a lot of first-aid but there were things inside the kit Danny had never even seen. He put down the tourniquet-like contraption when he heard a click downstairs, indicating the water was done.

When he returned with the bowl of instant-bouillon-soup and DIY ice-packs, Steve was nearly asleep if his half-mast eyes were any indication. Sighing for the umpteenth time, Danny set the bowl on the nightstand.

“Hey Super-SEAL, open those eyes for me,” Danny gently encouraged, relieved when Steve’s eyes flicked open. They were still bright but not as unfocussed as before.

“Listen, I know you are not particularly hungry but you need to eat something, just a few sips so you can take these pills,” Danny spoke as he opened the blister of extra strength Tylenol and took out two.

Steve inhaled sharply through his nose as Danny held the bowl of soup and turned his head away.  
“Come on, Steve. You have to eat something. You haven’t eaten anything in four days and taking these pills on an empty stomach makes you even more nauseous,” Danny urged and nodded at the pack of antibiotics.

“Think taking Ultram did me in,” Steve muttered and turned his head to glare at the painkillers.  
Danny chuckled and handed Steve the tablets, “This is Tylenol, buddy. It will help with the fever and they won’t make you as nauseous.”

He watched Steve take the two Tylenol and his dose of antibiotics, the navy SEAL even managing to eat a couple spoonfuls of soup as Danny concerned himself with Steve’s feet.

 The cuts looked red and puffy, the swelling putting extra stress on the sutures. Carefully cleaning them with a cloth and putting antiseptic ointment on the cuts, Danny hoped the antibiotics would take care of the infection that was starting to set in. Steve had stayed as still as he could during Danny’s ministrations but it had still hurt.

 Steve carefully put the unfinished bowl of soup on the nightstand, relieved his stomach kept its cool, and looked at the ice-pack which was starting to unthaw on his sheets.

“What’s that for?”

 Danny looked up from bandaging Steve’s feet and smiled, “That is for your eye, babe. You better hold it against your face. It’s pretty swollen.”

Danny leant in closer, his scrutinising look taking in the swelling, cuts and bruises on Steve’s face, “No problem with your vision? Nothing blurred?” he asked as Steve put the ice-pack gingerly against his cheekbone.

 Steve huffed out a small laugh, “Everything is blurry, Danno. Don’t think it has to do with my eye, though.”

 Danny rolled his eyes as he sat back and watched Steve. Still sickly pale and exhausted-looking, Steve was finally beginning to talk to him. Danny didn’t like Silent-Steve. Silent-Steve usually meant trouble, because it either meant that Steve was brooding or guilt-tripping himself over something he wasn’t even supposed to feel guilty for. This Silent-Steve was hurting, in more than one way and Danny knew it would take some time for his partner to recover from this. This hadn’t been another day in the field. The man got beaten. Tased with a cattle prod. Tortured.

 Danny didn’t even know how he would feel if something like that happened to him. He wasn’t even sure how he was supposed to feel. He was just so immensely grateful that they had found Steve. They had been in the nick of time. Not only because they could have lost the convoy and Steve with it, but also because he had seen Steve’s eyes. Those haunted, exhausted eyes, void of life. It had only been a split second, but the moment Danny had made eye-contact with Steve, the detective had feared they had already been too late.

 “What’chu thinking about, D?” Steve muttered, aware Danny was fretting over something.

Danny looked up and smirked, “That when you get better, you owe me a drink.”

 Steve smiled, wincing when it hurt his cheekbone, but the smile had been real. He barely managed to stifle a yawn but it had not gone unnoticed by Danny.  
“Okay Neanderthal, let’s get you tucked in, yeah?” Danny spoke kindly and helped Steve lay down properly. He pulled out the digital thermometer he had found in Steve’s first-aid kit and placed it under Steve’s armpit. It read 38,1 degrees Celsius. Danny just hoped that number would go down with the Tylenol and antibiotics.

 “What’s it s’y?” Steve slurred, eyes blinking open sluggishly as sleep was claiming him, too exhausted to fight against it.  
“Nothing some Tylenol and TLC can’t fix, babe. Go to sleep,” Danny said gently and pulled the thin sheet over Steve’s body.  
“Th’nks.”

 

* * *

 

 

Voices filtered through the haze in his head. They were familiar and he linked them to safety, to family. Part of him wanted to stay in the shroud of semi-consciousness, but the more inquisitive part of him won over and Steve opened his eyes.

 “Do you have everything you need?” Steve recognised that voice as Chin’s. His voice was soft.

“Yeah, I got some things from my apartment when Steve was asleep,” Danny’s voice answered.

 Their voices were hushed and from the distance, Steve could tell they were in the kitchen. Carefully he rolled onto his side, managing to stifle a groan as his busted ribs protested. He had completely lost track of time. But a full bladder told him that he had been asleep for quite a while. He gingerly got up and padded towards the bathroom. From what he could tell it was late in the afternoon, probably nearing dinner-time, if the scent of cooking was anything to go by.

 He dared not look at his face as he washed his hands, but he did put on a hoodie. To ward off the chill or perhaps the prying eyes of his friends, he couldn’t tell. He made it downstairs where he noticed the on-going conversation between Danny and Chin halting abruptly.

 Just as he made it down the stairs, Danny’s head poked out of the kitchen. Upon seeing Steve up and about, a bright smile lit up his face, “Steve! You are up, come sit down,” Danny bustled about and helped Steve sit in the leather chair.

 “Thanks, D,” Steve smiled, his short hike from the bathroom to the living room leaving him winded, “Hey, Chin,” Steve greeted the Lieutenant.

“Aloha, Steve,” Chin replied and sat down opposite of Steve, looking him over, “How are you feeling?”

 Danny, who had returned to the kitchen, listened intently to Steve’s answer.  
“Everything hurts but I do feel better than...I-,” Steve chuckled softly, “To be honest I have no idea what day it is or how long I slept,” he answered honestly.

 Danny exited the kitchen area, a towel slung over his shoulder, with a bowl of rice topped with white chicken meat and vegetables.  
“You’ve been asleep for over sixteen hours. I did manage to get you awake enough to take your medication, but I doubt you remember,” the Jersey-native answered as he set down the bowl in front of Steve, “It’s been five days since you’ve been back home and five days since you’ve had a proper meal.”

 Steve eyed the bowl. It was not filled to the brim, in fact he was vaguely aware that Danny had kept the portion small enough as not to put off Steve’s appetite. To his surprise, his stomach had awoken enough to grumble. Chin chuckled as he heard the gurgle in Steve’s gut.

 Carefully, as not to jostle his injuries, Steve took the bowl and took a small bite. It was bland, but it was warm and filled with enough proteins to help his body heal. In between bites, Steve looked at Chin and asked, “Where’s Kono? She okay?”

Danny handed Chin a plate of food as well, which definitely held a larger portion than Steve’s and sat down with his own, looking intently from Steve to Chin.  
Chin sighed as he chewed on a piece of chicken, mulling over what he was supposed to say, “She’s wrapping things up back at the office. Kono really wanted to come over and see how you were doing but the Governor has put her in charge of...Kaye.”

 Steve could feel two sets of eyes staring at him as he took another nibble of his rice. He knew they were waiting on a reaction from him. Steve wasn’t even sure if he could actually conjure a reaction when it came to Kaye. She betrayed him to Wo Fat and had gotten herself killed in the process. Then again, she had also made the call that had ultimately saved his life. If she hadn’t…

 “Steve?”

 Danny’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts and he looked up, seeing two concerned colleagues staring at him. He offered them a small smile.  
“Sorry, everything’s still so muddled,” he spoke and then met Chin’s inquiring eyes, “Send her my love. I can’t wait to see her soon.”

 Chin nodded and returned to his food. Steve could tell the older man wasn’t going to press Steve any further.  
“It’s really good, Danny. Didn’t peg you for a kitchen-princess,” Chin jibed, earning a half-hearted glare from the detective.

 “I’ll have you know that I can make some mean paella as well,” Danny replied, side-glancing at Steve. His partner was picking at his food, lost in thought again. It wasn’t for Steve to openly show how he felt, but the trembling fork in his hand and the furrowed brow spoke volumes.

Danny got up, getting Steve’s attention, and walked into the kitchen. When he returned, Steve’s gaze was still following him.  
“Here, you need to take these,” Danny spoke, holding out a couple of pills and a glass of water.

 Steve took them and downed them. He put his half-eaten bowl back on the table and crossed his arms in front of his chest, a chill rippling through his body. He tried to struggle against the sleep but found himself unable to do so. He leant back in the chair and didn’t notice Chin carefully draping the afghan over his body. 

* * *

Danny closed the front door behind him as he walked Chin to his bike. The Hawaiian man turned around and leant against the motorcycle.

“How’s he doing, Danny?” Chin asked.

 Danny looked back at the door and then rubbed a hand over his face, “Truth be told? I can’t get a read on him. Then again, he has slept most of the time. The cuts and bruises are healing, he no longer has a fever and he is finally eating,” Danny met Chin’s eyes, “But that’s not what you are asking, right?”

 Chin shook his head.

 Shooting a quick glance back a the house, Danny sighed, “I don’t know, Chin. You know how he is. He doesn’t open up about what has happened. And to be honest, I don’t expect him to. Not yet at least, it’s still too fresh,” Danny carded his fingers through his hair, “And I am not going to push him. If there is anything I’ve learnt about Steve McGarrett is that he doesn’t open up when he’s not ready to do so.”

 “Yeah, I think pushing him would only aggravate his mental state even further. He will need time,” Chin spoke, “I am sure he will get there.”

 Danny nodded and watched Chin get on his bike, “If you need anything, let me know, okay?” The police lieutenant spoke as he started the motor and left at the wave of Danny’s hand.

 Danny watched Chin leave. Steve did need time. Loads of it. But Chin hadn’t seen the look on Steve’s face when Danny had found him, huddled in that truck. Hadn’t seen the look of total surrender, engraved in Steve’s entire being. At a certain point between being transported to whatever hell-hole Wo Fat was heading to, and being rescued, Steve had given up.

 There hadn’t been much time to talk to Joe White privately, and Danny didn’t quite know how he felt about Steve’s former commanding officer, but the man did help them recover Steve, so Danny had asked Joe about it. All White had to say was: “He’s been trained, he will get over this.”

 Utterly flabbergasted by that response, Danny hadn’t been able to come up with a response soon enough. Before the gears in his head started spinning again, Joe had retreated and Danny was too busy worrying about Steve to actually confront Joe about it.

 In the five days Steve had been home, almost everyone had left a message, called or had wanted to come over. Danny had been pretty adamant about giving Steve some time to rest. Danny had been overjoyed when Steve had come downstairs, looking pretty much alive.

 He had let Chin in an hour prior. The Hawaiian man pretty insistent about coming in. He didn’t need to see Steve per se, but he did want to talk to Danny.

 

<earlier that day>

 

Danny hoisted the blanket over Steve’s shoulder. The thermometer read thirty-seven point six degrees. At least the fever had gone down. The antipyretics and antibiotics were doing their job. Steve was fast asleep, something that irked Danny. Then again, he was also glad that Steve was finally getting some proper sleep. The previous days had been quite stressful on the both of them. Steve had barely slept, calling out in his sleep, sweating up a storm and therefore Danny hadn’t slept a whole lot either. He had sat at Steve’s side, wiping the man’s brow with a cold cloth, rousing him when the nightmares got too bad or when it was time for medication.

In one or two instances, Steve had lashed out rather aggressively. The aggression had been fuelled by the nightmares and most likely the fever as well. Steve never remembered swiping at Danny; his mind too muddled, too far gone. But the bruise on Danny’s jaw was evidence of how messed up Steve’s mind was at the moment.

 Danny frowned as he heard a knock on the door. He had made clear he didn’t want any visitors. Not just yet. He padded downstairs and opened the door, facing Chin.  
“Hey Chin,” Danny greeted, keeping the door closed in the hopes Chin would get the hint.

 “Danny,” Chin greeted and then raised an eyebrow, “You all right?” His eyes slid over the vivid bruise on Danny’s jaw.  
“Yeah, walked into the door and all that,” Danny spoke, waving a dismissive hand.

 “You’re not going to invite me in?” Chin cocked his head.

 Danny sighed, then grudgingly opened the door, allowing Chin to enter, “Just keep your voice down, okay? He’s finally asleep,” Danny warned.

 Danny lead Chin towards the kitchen area.  
“Nightmares?”

 “Either those or fever-dreams,” Danny answered as he took the clean dishes out of the washing machine.

 “It looks like it hurts,” Chin offered, with a nod at Danny's jaw.

 Danny glanced at his colleague as he stacked some plates in their designated place, “Yeah well, I bet Steve is hurting more.”

 As Chin didn’t press the subject further, Danny narrowed his eyes, “Why are you actually here? I mean, no offence but I made it pretty clear I didn’t want any visitors just yet. And don’t start about ohana, and all that,” Danny added as an after-thought, vaguely aware he was being an ass.

 Chin rolled his eyes and then leant on the countertop, “I came here because of some things I wanted to discuss with you.”

 Danny put a glass back on its shelf and then looked at Chin, “You got my attention.”

 “When Steve was looked after back in North-Korea, we headed back to the site where we intercepted the convoy. There were no signs of Wo Fat. Neither were there any clues left in the compound where we found Kaye’s body,” Chin spoke.

 Danny looked at the ceiling, hoping Steve was still fast asleep. It stayed quiet.  
“Anyway, as we looked around we found another body we believed to be Joshua Hirsch. From what we could tell he’d been dead for a while. We managed to pull some strings and have his remains transferred here. He will be buried on home soil,” Chin continued.

 “Do they know the cause of death?” Danny dared ask.

 Chin shook his head, “No, but Max is still investigating it. I am expecting him to call any time soon. But from what I could tell, Hirsch has been tortured extensively and probably succumbed to his injuries.”

 Danny closed his eyes. Hirsch had suffered a fate worse than Steve but they had both been tortured by a mad man whose motives were largely unknown.  
“At least Kaye will be united with her fiancee after all,” he muttered and placed a pot filled with water on the stove. He pulled the chicken he had bought earlier towards him and started cleaning and cutting it.  
  
“Steve can’t know,” he said whilst cooking the chicken.

Chin frowned his eyebrows, “Are you sure it’s a good idea? You know Steve, he will find out.”

 Danny rubbed his eyes, “I know, but for now I’d rather have him not knowing yet. It’s still too soon, too fresh.”

 He looked at Chin, waiting for the Lieutenant’s agreement before focussing back on his food.  
“You care for some as well?” he asked as he motioned at the food he was making with his spoon. Chin smirked, “I could eat.”

 “It’s not going to be anything fancy but I hope Steve will be able to keep this down. He hasn’t eaten anything properly,” Danny muttered, stirring in the pot.

 “You can never go wrong with rice and chicken,” Chin replied kindly, “As long as you don’t put too many spices in there.”

 Danny grinned, “Oh, it’s going to be bland, my friend!”

 “Do you have everything you need?” Chin asked after a few moments.

“Yeah, I got some things from my apartment when Steve was asleep,” Danny answered.

<current time>

 

* * *

 

Steve started to get better gradually. The wounds on his feet were healing nicely and didn’t hurt as much when he walked around. He still slept an awful lot but each day more colour returned to his face and the bruises and swelling were slowly dissipating. He still barely spoke. Steve never talked an awful lot, not as much as Danny did, but he talked. Now Danny was left with Silent-Steve again. Before he could have blamed Steve’s lack of health on the silence, but now, when Steve was actually getting better, Danny knew the silence’s source came from somewhere else.

 Standing on the lanai he looked at the lone figure sitting on the beach. Yesterday, an informant of the CIA had called the governor and had let him know that the funeral for Kaye and Hirsch had taken place and that they thanked the Five-0’s for bringing their people back home.

 Danny was going to deliver that news to Steve, but he didn’t quite know how. He would have to do it sooner rather than later because Steve would be wanting to go back to work before the week was over. With his hands in his pockets he walked down to the beach and stood next to where Steve was sat watching the ocean.

 Steve offered his partner a small smile and then looked back at the waves. Despite wearing a hoodie, Danny could tell that Steve had lost some weight. His eating habits still weren’t back to normal - or what Steve considered normal that was, pineapple on pizza for instance wasn’t normal – and it started to show. Danny stood next to the weathered chair and looked out at the ocean as well.

It was Steve who broke the silence first, “How’s the team?”

Danny spoke, “They are doing well. We’re working a small case. Nothing grand, just the Governor asking us a favour. I think he’s putting Lori to the test as well.”

Steve turned to look at him, “How so?”

 Danny shrugged, “Denning asked that she specifically took on the case, something about a previous case when she still worked at homeland security. Chin and Kono are helping her out and are near solving it. I wouldn’t worry too much about it.”

Not looking convinced, Steve shook his head but didn’t press it any further. Chin and Kono would do their utmost best to help out Lori solve it. Still, it didn’t sit well that Denning had asked for Lori only.

 “What did your doctor say?” Danny asked curiously. Steve had had an appointment earlier that morning. Danny had wanted to come along but Rachel had called to ask if he could bring Grace to school. Steve had made the decision easy by assuring Danny that he would keep his partner in the loop on his health.

 “All breaks are healing as well as expected. There was no sign of infection in my blood and by the end of this week I am cleared for light duty,” Steve spoke and noticed the frown on Danny’s face deepen.

 “Why are you scowling?” Steve asked and narrowed his eyes.

 “I’m not-. Well, okay, maybe I am? It’s just...Are you sure you are up for it?” Danny protested, unable to keep the concern out of his voice.

“I will have to go back, eventually,” Steve replied, “It’s desk duty anyways,” he ended with a shrug.

 Danny kicked against the sand and then sat down on the other chair, rubbing a hand over his face before resting his elbows on his knees.

“We got a call from the CIA yesterday,” he began, quickly glancing at Steve.

 The man barely reacted. “Oh,” was his sole answer, which worried Danny probably even more.

“They had a funeral for Kaye and Hirsch. Their families wanted to thank us for bringing them home,” Danny continued.

 There was a short pause in which neither of them spoke or even dared move.

 “What was Hirsch’s COD?” Steve finally asked. A part of him had to know that this rescue attempt hadn’t been in vain. That Hirsch hadn’t been killed because of him. A selfish part of him hoped that Hirsch had been deceased before Steve had even set foot on North-Korean soil. He already felt somehow guilty for Kaye’s death, even though the more logical part of him knew that there would be nothing he could have done to prevent her death. But still, the more he thought about it, the more he felt that there had been more that they could have done. That he could have done.

 If only Jenna had come to him, speaking the truth, maybe then they could have saved Hirsch. And Jenna Kaye wouldn’t have died in a damp, filthy basement with two bullet holes in her chest.

 “Don’t do this to yourself,” Danny’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts and he had to blink a few times to bring himself back to the present.

 Steve looked Danny in the eye, “Please, Danno, I have to know.”

 Danny recognised the question for what it was: a plea. Steve had to know for some reason. Perhaps for closure.

So, he sighed and decided that maybe Steve deserved to know. That maybe, it would help him heal in some way.

 “Max said that the cause of death was septic shock. He had been dealt grievous injuries and with lack of proper medical treatment succumbed to infection,” Danny silently spoke, clasping his hands together. He wondered if he should continue, “He had been dead for a while. The body was already starting to decay, which means-”

 “That Hirsch was dead long before Kaye got any false leads by Wo Fat,” Steve concluded and closed his eyes.

 “Yeah...” Danny trailed off, concern making his stomach roll.

 “It wasn’t for nothing.”

 “What?” Danny asked, turning to look at Steve.

 Steve opened his eyes again but didn’t look at him, instead kept his gaze on the sky, “It’s what she said before Wo Fat shot her. ‘It wasn’t for nothing,’ and it wasn’t. Because despite knowing that she lost her fiancé, she still saved my life. There was this pin. At first I didn’t know how she came by it, but at that moment I didn’t think much of it. All I could think of was escaping. But then when they transferred me, I remember she told me that Joshua had gotten into a bike-accident and that he broke his leg. She pulled that pin out of her dead fiancés knee, to give me a chance,” Steve gazed at Danny, sadness filling his blue eyes.

 Danny narrowed his eyes, “She got you into this mess in the first place, and we had to get you out of it. She didn’t save you, Steve. We did,” he snorted, the words having left his mouth before he fully realised it.

 Steve stiffened in his seat and a myriad of emotions flashed over his face. He quickly managed to regain his composure, his face slipping into a blank mask.

 Realising what he had done, Danny dropped his head, “Steve, I’m sorry, I-”

 “No, it’s okay,” Steve coolly said. After a few moments he carefully got up, ignoring the painful twinges in his still healing body.  
  
“Steve, please,” Danny spoke, getting up as well, “I spoke without thinking. You know I run my mouth all the time,” he pleaded at Steve’s back.

 Steve turned around and Danny expected him to be seething. Instead he looked at a broken, tired man. Steve stood hunched over, his shoulder drooping and he looked nothing like the proud Navy SEAL he used to be.  
  
“This has got to be so hard on you,” Danny spoke, “Your trust has been shattered, you have been betrayed just because you wanted to do good. You wanted to help someone and it got you tortured and nearly killed. And it makes me so angry! All you want to do is help, and it always blows up in your face somehow! When Kaye called and told what was going on, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I spent nine hours on a plane, wracking my mind, praying to whatever deities are above for your safety. That when we find you, you’d be alive and sitting on top of a couple of unconscious thugs, sipping from your stupid canteen as if nothing happened. Just another day at the office!” Danny started pacing, his hands wildly motioning and his voice picking up in both speed and volume. “And then we arrive at that compound to find Kaye dead and you gone. I refused to give up, but something inside of me...it just gave up, okay?”

Steve looked at him, feeling his legs tremble from all the emotions rolling over him like a tsunami. Still, Danny continued.

 “And then we got news of the convoy, so of course I get my hopes up again, because what do I know? You are a ninja slash super SEAL, right? You wouldn’t go down without a fight, right? You’d show them how frightening you can be, have them begging at your feet for mercy. But instead, I find you in the back of your truck. And for a moment I-” Danny halted, swallowed thickly and looked away. He dropped his hands and shook his head.

 When he looked back up, his eyes were shiny with unshed tears, “For a moment I thought we had lost you. You just sat there, motionless, still, broken. And I knew that the Steve McGarrett I know would have made use of the distraction and would have escaped. Would at least try to get out. But you didn’t. And it scared me. It still does. Because, I get the feeling you have given up, that despite rescuing you from that place, you still aren’t saved. Somewhere back in North-Korea a part of you seemed to have given up, has died,” a tear slid over his cheek, the stress and forcefully pushed down emotions finally catching up. “I am afraid that one morning I will wake up and hear that you have completely given up. You barely eat, you don’t sleep and I know that guilt is eating you. But it isn’t your fault, okay?” Danny took a step closer towards Steve, who was looking at the ground, hands firmly tucked in his hoodie’s pockets.

 “You have nothing to feel guilty about, nothing! But please, Steve, if there is anything I can do to help. Just don’t give up,” Danny pleaded, unable to keep the tears from trailing down his cheeks.

 He nearly had a heart attack when Steve’s legs seemed to give out and the man sank onto the ground, his body trembling like a leaf in the wind.  
“Steve?” Danny sank down next to him, his hand on Steve’s arm, “Talk to me, babe, you are scaring me.”

 Still trembling Steve shook his head but a sob escaped from his mouth, followed by another and another until Danny found himself holding his partner tightly. Steve cried silently, his body still shivering as all the emotions rolled over him. Eventually his arms snaked around Danny’s chest and gripped the Jersey man tightly. All the while, Danny found himself speaking softly to Steve, encouraging him to let it all out, that it would be okay and that he was here for him. He wouldn’t leave. “Even if I’d have to travel all across the world, I’d still come for you. Time and time again,” Danny whispered, his tears streaming unchecked as well.

 Eventually Steve stilled and the tight grip around Danny lessened. The broken man still kept his face buried in the crook of Danny’s neck. After a few moments Danny had thought that his friend had fallen asleep but then Steve spoke up, “I am tired, Danny. I just want to get some sleep without having to relive that shit all over again.” He sounded fragile and exhausted.

 When he finally looked up, his blood-shot eyes found Danny’s. The detective smiled sadly, “I know, buddy, I know. Let’s get you back inside, okay?”

 They managed to get up and shuffle slowly back into the house. Danny noticed that occasional shivers still rippled through Steve’s body and made a mental note to get Steve an extra blanket. When Danny settled Steve into bed he held the man’s tired, yet fear-filled eyes. Steve would never openly admit it, but for this moment he didn’t want to be alone. His eyes said as much.

 Danny couldn’t help but offer a small smile. He took off his shoes and then nudged Steve, “Scoot over,” he chuckled at the confused look on Steve’s face. Steve obliged as realisation dawned over him, “Danny, you don’t have to-” he started but was cut off by Danny.

 “And miss you drooling on your pillow? Wouldn’t want to miss it for the world.”

 A look of gratitude crossed Steve’s bruised features and the Navy SEAL carefully settled down, sighing deeply and closing his eyes.

 Danny pulled a part of the blanket over his shoulders and closed his eyes as well. Before he drifted off, he muttered, “I will always be here for you, Steve, no matter where you go.”

 The sun shone brightly through the window, not even at its fullest peak, warming the two bodies on the bed. It rose, and rose and then started to descend again until it dipped beyond the horizon. The two friends wouldn’t wake up until it started to ascend again and send soft light on the slumbering world. 

Neither of them spoke a word about it, but both of them knew it had been what they had needed. They weren’t okay. Not by a long shot, but they would get there. And if Steve had been at the expense of Danny’s mockeries about drooling, he wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. His nightmares had gone back to the deepest part of his mind, warded off by the love he felt from his colleagues, his friends, his family. And if, during a bad day, his mind went back to that place, his ohana would be there to pull him out, to bring the light back. They had been through too much already to not look out for each other. North-Korea had broken something inside of Steve McGarrett, but Danno had managed to fix most of it through loud rants, wildly moving hands and a shoulder to lean on when days got bad. And in the end, it wouldn’t have been for nothing.

 

_Einde_.

 

 

 

 


End file.
